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Archive for the ‘Parodies’ Category

Gender switched Bilbo makes The Hobbit a better read

BilbetteFrom boingboing.net;  Michelle Nijhuis’s five year old daughter insisted that Bilbo Baggins was a girl. After arguing about it for a while, Michelle decided to read her The Hobbit, switching Bilbo’s gender-pronoun throughout. And it worked brilliantly. Bilbo is a great heroine: “tough, resourceful, humble, funny, and uses her wits to make off with a spectacular piece of jewelry. Perhaps most importantly, she never makes an issue of her gender — and neither does anyone else.”

(more…)

Posted in Fans, Hobbit Book, Parodies, The Hobbit

Rings comedy film ‘Rise of the Fellowship’ debuts on Netflix on January 3

rise of fellowship The Independent Critic has positively reviewed The Rise of the Fellowship, the ‘buddy-comedy written in honor of online gamers and The Lord of the Rings that will debut on Netflix on January 3.

The film, which won the GenCon 2012 Film Festival, is already available on VOD, iTunes, and Amazon.com.

(more…)

Posted in Creations, Fans, Lord of the Rings, LotR Movies, Parodies

Rewrite Tolkien December contest

 

It’s time to announce December’s Rewrite Tolkien contest, where you, the fans, can rewrite your favorite passages or scenes in the style of a classic author.  We will select a theme each month, and then it’s up to you to put your spin on it!

The theme for the month of December is:

dickens

 

The Hobbit as written by Charles Dickens

Our judges will read through all of your submissions, and choose the best of the bunch.  The Grand Prize Winner will get their entry read live on TORn Book Club, as well as having it published here on TheOneRing.net.  Two runners-up will have their stories posted here on TORn.

The December contest deadline is 12:00 p.m. Eastern Standard Time (EST) on Monday, December 30th.   Please be sure to read all of the submission guidelines below and submit your entry to rewrite_tolkien_contest@theonering.net .

Good luck!

 

  • Contest is open to individuals worldwide, age 13 and up at the time of entry.
  • To avoid duplicate submissions, please include your name and location on all entries.
  • To qualify, submissions must be a minimum of 500 words and maximum of 2000 words, feature characters from The Hobbit and be in the style of the author/genre for that month’s contest.
  • All submissions should be emailed to mailto: rewrite_tolkien_contest@theonering.net with the entry in the body of the email.  No attachments.
  • No posting your entry on the message boards or TORn’s Facebook page.
  • No profanity. We realize that some authors’ styles require it, so if you MUST use profanity, please censor it with asterisks.
  • By submitting, you are giving TORn permission to reproduce your entry on our website or other formats (Twitter, Facebook, etc…)
  • Only one entry per person, and each entry may not be submitted more than once.
  • Contestants are only eligible to win once in a 12 month period.
  • Entries that do not follow these submission guidelines will not be considered for the contest.
Posted in Contests, Creations, Events, Fans, Parodies

Rewrite Tolkien November contest winners

Thank you to everyone that participated in November’s Rewrite Tolkien contest (The Hobbit as written by J.K. Rowling/Harry Potter).   This months winner is: ‘Staff Magic’ by Chris Baker, Oxfordshire, UK.  Congratulations, Chris!  The winning entry will be read this Sunday, December 8th, on TORn’s newest show, TORn Book Club.  Congratulations also go to our two runners-up:  ‘Harry Potter and – No Wait, This isn’t About Him’ by Arlothia  and ‘Accio Arkenstone!’ by Donna DeBoer of Florida.

December’s theme will be announced soon, so stay tuned!

**************************************************************************************************************************

**************************************************************************************************************************

Staff Magic

by Chris Baker (Oxfordshire, UK)

Professor Dumbledore smiled around the packed Great Hall of Hogwarts. “I am sure that you are as eager as I am to start upon our excellent Start of Year feast,” he said, “but I have one more announcement to make before we do. I’m delighted to say that we have been able to arrange a short additional Defence Against the Dark Arts module this year. On the subject of “Staff Magic” it will run for the first part of this term, with its own exam, worth an extra grade for your Defence Against the Dark Arts OWL.  All students wishing to attend this course should see Professor McGonagall after the Feast. I am sure there will be a lot of interest from those of you who are academically ambitious…”, Harry thought Dumbledore’s twinkling eyes were fixed on Hermione, “…or who feel they might be making practical use of the subject. The course will be given by a most exciting visiting Professor: none other than Gandalf The Grey…” At this name, there was a buzz of excited chatter among the students. “Professor Gandalf has also kindly agreed to treat us to one of his famous fireworks shows on November 5th.”

“Who is ‘Gandalf the Grey’?” asked Harry in a low voice. Hermione gave him one of her concerned, kind and yet superior looks.

“Haven’t you read the books or seen the films?” she asked.”He’s nearly as famous in the Muggle world as in the magical one, though Muggles think he’s a fictional character, of course.”

Harry felt like pointing out that the only books in Privet Drive were cookery books; and that if the Dursleys went to see a film they’d certainly leave him behind, most likely locked in the cupboard. But the moment was lost as Ron burst out excitedly from opposite him “Gandalf? The guy’s an absolute legend! Complete celebrity! Muse and Speller even have a T-shirt of him!”

“Gandalf, Gandalf!” intoned Percy pompously, apparently also trying to answer Harry’s question “If you had heard only a quarter of what I have heard about him, and I have only heard very little of all there is to hear…”

“Here, look: Gandalf’s on a Muse and Speller T-shirt!” said Ron, risking tipping everyone else on his side of the table off their shared bench as he half-stood to wrestle a battered Muse and Speller T-shirt catalogue from his trouser pocket. Muse and Speller’s T-shirts had moving pictures and were the height of cool- several of the Gryffindors lent over to see.  Turning a bit pink at the ears and shooting a covert look at Hermione, Ron leafed quickly past the much-thumbed  pages of shirts featuring the witch singer Curvacea Oogleworthy,  industriously looking for the Gandalf garment.

Hermione wasn’t watching though. “It would be wonderful to study with such a very famous teacher of course,” she was saying in Harry’s one ear, while Percy continued to try to fill his other ear with a long account of Gandalf’s exploits. While Percy droned on a good deal about a ring, and a Dark Lord, and something about the end of the world, Hermione continued “…but I’ve heard that Staff Magic is very difficult, especially for people who are good with a wand. And so I’m quite worried that with so little time to prepare for the exam at the end…”

“Here he is! See! Gandalf!” Ron triumphantly held up the T-shirt picture: a powerful old bearded man standing on a narrow bridge with flames behind him. The shirt had a short moving clip in which Gandalf beat his staff on the bridge and cried out as he cast some vastly powerful spell.

Hermione had gone pale, her knuckle in her mouth, looking aghast at the Gandalf T-shirt. Suspecting one of Fred and George’s unkinder tricks, Ron looked hastily down. But it was just a picture of Gandalf. He stared at Hermione in confusion.

It took Harry a moment to realize what had upset his grade-obsessed friend. Under the picture of the stern, shouting wizard on the bridge the T-shirt bore the caption “You Cannot Pass”.

**********************************************************************************************************************

Harry Potter and—No wait this isn’t about him

Or

Lord of the—Holy smokes that’s a big spider!  by Arlothia (Washington State)

The cold, misty November night provided the perfect setting for a monster hunt. The hunters in question were making their way through the Dark Forest seeking a giant spider that had been sighted by frightened students. So far the Defense Against the Dark Arts and Care of Magical Creatures professors had had no luck in finding the spider over the past few weeks. Prior to this they had made their searches during the day, but with the ever—increasing homework load they had to grade and the fact that the creature seemed to run to ground during the day had led to Gandalf and Radagast making this escapade during the night.

“We aren’t going to hurt it, are we?” asked Radagast as he untangled his robe from the underbrush. “I mean, it could just be lost or scared for all we know. It hasn’t hurt anyone.”

“It hasn’t hurt anyone yet,” countered Gandalf. “Don’t forget that we are dealing with a giant spider and spiders have venom. For one like the size the children have described it could be quite deadly to us. We would be no more than flies to it.”

“But still, that doesn’t mean we have to kill it,” Radagast reasoned, finally freeing himself from the bush. The two wizards set off again on their search.

“Then what do you suppose we do with it?” asked Gandalf, exasperated. He had been listening to his companion’s litany of conversation all night and he was about at his wits’ end. “Would you have us make a pet out of it? Keep it on a leash and teach it tricks?” A thoughtful expression came over Radagast’s face and Gandalf knew that look. “Don’t even think about it,” he said and the glint in Radagast’s eyes quickly turned into a pout.

They continued on for some time, Gandalf grateful for the silence that had come over his friend but he knew that it was leading to yet another question. So when he heard the brown-robed wizard suck in a breath to speak he prepared himself for another useless question.

“Where do you suppose it came from?”

The sharp retort that had been forming in Gandalf’s mind stopped short.  That was actually a question worth thinking about.

“It could be a creature from a distant land I suppose. Or merely a normal spider that has somehow found a way to grow to such a size. Stranger things have happened in this forest. But my guess is that this is the work of a student’s prank or a spell gone wrong. And if that’s the case then I plan on finding whoever did this and giving them so much detention they’ll have to stay here for the holidays. Why shouldn’t they have to spend as much time reaping the consequences of their actions as we have cleaning up their mess?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” Radagast ventured. “I think this is all rather fun.”

Gandalf rolled his eyes and turned to face him. “Of course you would—oh!”

A low hanging branch had knocked his hat clean off his head while he hadn’t been looking. But as Gandalf straightened back up after retrieving his grey hat he saw that it was not a branch at all. It was a thick, white cord stretching between the two nearest trees of the clearing they had walked into.

Both wizards stared at the line, their eyes wide at the sheer size of it. And as they brought their gazes up to look around the small clearing they found more of the same. Line upon line of spider silk, for it couldn’t be anything else, running between the trees, creating webs in the branches above.

Gandalf and Radagast brought their wands up to the ready and instantly started looking for the beast that had produced all of this silk. After a few minutes of searching they still hadn’t found anything.

“It’s probably off in the forest,” Radagast whispered. “Now that we know where its nest is we should come back in daylight.”

“I think you may be right,” Gandalf whispered back, feeling like little more than a fly for his part.

But just as they were about to leave, a rustling in the branches behind them brought them swinging around, wands held out, illuminating the monster before them.

There, up in the trees, sat a gigantic black spider. It’s spindly, almost-hairless body gleaming in the light of their wands, giving all eight of its eyes a hard edge as they stared at the two morsels on the ground. Gandalf released a blinding ball of light which the eight-legged creature easily dodged, skittering across its webs, escaping another spell that came from Radagast this time as it dashed out of the clearing.

The two professors stood back-to-back, circling around with wands at the ready.

“Do you think we scared it off?” Radagast asked, his voice quavering.

“I highly doubt it,” Gandalf replied. And as if to prove this a dark shape dropped from above, knocking the wizards off their feet, wands flying from their hands. With only the wan light of the moon filtering through the dark trees and mist, they couldn’t find where they had fallen.

But as they struggled to regain their feet, fighting off the monster as it tried to clamp them in its two dripping pincers, their searching hands found not their wands, but instead two branches that had broken from the canopy when the spider had fallen upon them.

Wielding them like staffs, Gandalf and Radagast were able to beat back the giant arachnid enough to stagger upright. But unable to search for their wands without taking their eyes off the spider, they were forced to improvise and hope for the best.

The creature lunged at the same moment as two spells sprang from Gandalf’s and Radagast’s lips, traveling through their staffs, and filling the clearing with a deafening crash and a light to rival the sun’s.

To say that both spells worked wouldn’t be a lie, but the results were not quite what the casters had intended, which is only to be expected when working with something other than a functioning wand.

Radagast’s shrinking spell had worked to reduce the spider back to an egg, a harmless white orb lying there on the ground. But the outcome of Gandalf’s transportation spell could be seen by the absence of any wizards in the clearing. They were gone away to lands unknown, never to be seen again in this world.

 Students and staff alike had always said the Defense Against the Dark Arts position was cursed so no one was too surprised when Gandalf turned up missing. But when Radagast didn’t return by morning, one student took it upon himself to search for him.

 “Uncle Radagast!” a young Rubeus Hagrid called as he wound his way through the Dark Forest. He had spent many disheartening hours searching until his eyes fell upon a small piece of brown cloth snagged on a bush. “Uncle Radagast!” he called again. “Professor Gandalf!” But of course there was no reply. It only took a few minutes more for Hagrid to find the clearing entwined with spider silk. Gazing around like the two wizards before him had, he almost missed the egg on the ground until his foot nudged it.

Looking down, he bent to pick it up, cradling it in his wide hands. For one so large his touch was surprisingly soft and that gentleness was an extension of his heart.

 “Well ‘ello there,” he crooned. “And who might you be, eh?” Hagrid had a kind soul and once he saw the poor lonely egg abandoned there in the clearing, he couldn’t find it in his heart to leave it there.

 With one more glance around, still unable to find either professor, Hagrid shook his head and turned to leave, completely missing the wands lying discarded on the ground.

 “Shouldn’t be too worried about them, don’t you think?” Hagrid asked of the egg. “I mean, sure Uncle Radagast isn’t the brightest candle of the bunch but Gandalf’s a good wizard. He’ll look after them both until they come back, just you see. But what am I going to call you? I suppose I shouldn’t name you ‘till you’re hatched, not knowing if you’re a boy or a girl an’ all, but what do you think of…Aragog?”

************************************************************************************************************************

Accio Arkenstone!

by Donna DeBoer (Florida)

Bilbo’s sudden shout took the dwarves of the Company by surprise. They were all tired from trekking up the long mountain path to the secret door that hid the high entrance into Erebor. It had been a perilous climb even for a dwarf, with stones crumbling and shifting underfoot and the bitter wind seeming like it wanted to tear them off the way. After waiting a while for the proper time and almost fumbling their chance with the key, the portal was opened. The clutching northern wind did nothing to dispel the odours of sulfur, mildew… age, gold and death… rolling out of the dark opening.

For a moment Balin stared in astonishment at the figure of the hobbit, his pack still slung on his back and his arm raised high with a slender vine wood wand firmly in his hand, framed against the utter blackness of the long passage ahead.

He shook his head in resigned sorrow and walked over to Bilbo. “That isn’t going to work, laddie, though I commend you for trying it.”

Bilbo lowered his arm and turned around with an earnest look on his face. “Why not? Isn’t this the easiest way to get what you really want out of there? I’m the burglar and this is the best way I know how to get it with minimum fuss. Not to mention danger!”

“Shhhh, for Durin’s sake lower your voice,” Balin whispered, loudly and urgently. With another look at Bilbo, he sighed. “I agree about the fussing bit, but it’s the worm himself that prevents the charm from working as you wish. Magic works differently around dragons of his kind. His very aura overwhelms it.”

Bilbo was curious despite the terrifying fact that his brilliant idea had failed and he was still going to have to personally sneak into the mountain to face said worm for the dwarves’ most precious prize. “But I’ve heard about magic being used around dragons before. There was this one Triwizard tournament…”

Suddenly Balin grinned. “Aye, Gandalf was always a tricky fellow with his power.” With a glint in his eye, he continued, “I saw that very tournament to which you are referring. He didn’t kill the dragon, though. I was just a young dwarf then, sent to study in the great fortress school of magic in the Misty Mountains, where we learned what formidable opponents dragons could be. Especially the very old ones.”

His amusement faded as he patted his weskit pocket, where he kept his own oaken wand. “Never did I think I would experience such a calamity myself. Did you not think we haven’t tried this method before? That charm was the first thing I did when we were fleeing Erebor, before the doors were sealed by that cursed evil thing. With ours failing, the elves’ older magic might have succeeded in helping us, and they chose not to do so.”

Thorin, who had been listening to this conversation with some impatience, now abruptly interrupted at the mention of elves. “Enough talk. Time for the hobbit to do what we have contracted with him to do.”

Balin slowly turned to face Thorin. “His name is BILBO,” he said with great emphasis.

 

 

 

 

 

Posted in Contests, Events, Fans, Parodies

Rewrite Tolkien November contest

It’s time to announce November’s Rewrite Tolkien contest, where you, the fans, can rewrite your favorite passages or scenes in the style of a classic author.  We will select a theme each month, and then it’s up to you to put your spin on it!

The theme for the month of November is:

116

The Hobbit as written by J.K. Rowling/ The Harry Potter series

Using characters from ‘The Hobbit’, come up with a poem or short story in the style of J.K. Rowling – Gandalf’s early years at Hogwarts…Beorn vs. Fluffy…Dobby the house elf paying his cousins in Mirkwood a visit- It’s up to you!

Our judges will read through all of your submissions, and choose the best of the bunch.  The Grand Prize Winner will get their entry read live by our own Quickbeam on the first TORn Tuesday of December, as well as having it published here on TheOneRing.net.  Two runners-up will have their stories posted here on TORn.

The contest deadline is 12:00 p.m. Eastern Standard Time (EST) on Monday, November 25th.   Please be sure to read all of the submission guidelines below and submit your entry to rewrite_tolkien_contest@theonering.net.
 
 
 
Good luck!
 
 
 
****Submission Guidelines****
 
 
 
  • Contest is open to individuals worldwide, age 13 and up at the time of entry.
  • To avoid duplicate submissions, please include your name and location on all entries.
  • To qualify, submissions must be a minimum of 500 words and maximum of 2000 words, feature characters from The Hobbit and be in the style of the author/genre for that month’s contest.
  • All submissions should be emailed to mailto: rewrite_tolkien_contest@theonering.net with the entry in the body of the email.  No attachments.
  • No posting your entry on the message boards or TORn’s Facebook page.
  • No profanity. We realize that some authors’ styles require it, so if you MUST use profanity, please censor it with asterisks.
  • By submitting, you are giving TORn permission to reproduce your entry on our website or other formats (Twitter, Facebook, etc…)
  • Only one entry per person, and each entry may not be submitted more than once.
  • Contestants are only eligible to win once in a 12 month period.
  • Entries that do not follow these submission guidelines will not be considered for the contest.

*Illustration by Mary GrandPre

Posted in Contests, Events, Fans, Parodies, TheOneRing.net Community, TORn TUESDAYS Live!

October’s Rewrite Tolkien contest winners are…

We received a lot of great submissions for October’s Rewrite Tolkien contest (characters from The Hobbit in the writing style of Edgar Allan Poe), including some impressive international entries from France and Mexico!

This months winner is…

(more…)

Posted in Contests, Events, Parodies, TheOneRing.net Community, TORn TUESDAYS Live!

Simpsons Hobbit Parody

SimpsonsDoTheHobbitCheck out this hilarious parody of The Hobbit from The Simpsons episode “Four Regrettings and a Funeral”.

Thanks to Ringer Toddmiester for sending it to us.

(more…)

Posted in Parodies, The Hobbit

Oakentoon # 7 – The Book of Majesty, Oakentoon # 8 – 10,000 Men, Oakentoon #9 – A Majestic Nightmare

oakentoon_logo_by_peckishowl-d6ljafpWelcome to your latest dose of the Oakentoons 🙂

Don’t forget to check out the Oakenstills and Oakencrossovers while you’re there and to say hi to PeckishOwl.
(more…)

Posted in Creations, Fans, Hobbit Movie, Parodies, The Hobbit, The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey

Rewrite Tolkien October contest is here!

Edgar_Allan_Poe_by_juarezricci012511It’s time to announce the next theme in our monthly Rewrite Tolkien contest, where you, the fans, can rewrite your favorite passages or scenes in the style of another classic author.  We will select a theme each month, and then it’s up to you to put your spin on it!

The theme for the month of October is:

The Hobbit as written by Edgar Allan Poe

In honour of Halloween, come up with a spooky short story or poem, using characters from ‘The Hobbit’, written in the style of Mr. Poe.  Our judges will read through all of your submissions, and choose the best of the bunch.  The Grand Prize Winner will get their entry read live by our own Quickbeam on the first TORn Tuesday of November, as well as having it published here on TheOneRing.net!

The contest deadline is 12:00 p.m. Eastern Standard Time (EST) on Monday, October 28th.   Please be sure to read all of the submission guidelines below and submit your entry to rewrite_tolkien_contest@theonering.net.
Good luck!
****Submission Guidelines****
  • Contest is open to individuals worldwide, age 13 and up at the time of entry.
  • To avoid duplicate submissions, please include your name and location on all entries.
  • To qualify, submissions must be a minimum of 500 words and maximum of 2000 words, feature characters from The Hobbit and be in the style of the author/genre for that month’s contest.
  • All submissions should be emailed to mailto: rewrite_tolkien_contest@theonering.net with the entry in the body of the email.  No attachments.
  • No posting your entry on the message boards or TORn’s Facebook page.
  • No profanity. We realize that some authors’ styles require it, so if you MUST use profanity, please censor it with asterisks.
  • By submitting, you are giving TORn permission to reproduce your entry on our website or other formats (Twitter, Facebook, etc…)
  • You may submit as many entries as you want, but do not submit the same entry more than once.
  • Contestants are only eligible to win once in a 12 month period.
  • Entries that do not follow these submission guidelines will not be considered for the contest.

 

 

llustration by Juarez Ricci

Posted in Contests, Events, Parodies, TheOneRing.net Community, TORn TUESDAYS Live!

Announcing the winner of September’s Rewrite Tolkien contest!

3-writing-500x250Thank you to everyone that entered September’s Rewrite Tolkien contest – there were a lot of great entries!  Unfortunately we could only chose one winning entry, which was read live by TOR.n’s own Quickbeam on tonight’s TOR.n Tuesday broadcast.  We did, however, have a couple of entries that we thought deserved to be read, so scroll down for our runners up.  And stay tuned for our October contest details tomorrow.

 

September’s winner is – Nick Green of Hertford, U.K..  Congratulations, Nick!

**************

Six Eyes, Eight Legs, One Sword By J R R Tolkien and Dr Seuss, as dictated to Nick Green (Hertford, UK)

Mirkwood was murky as murky could be
Murk lurked in each slirkily-leafed shrubbery
With cobwebs and shlob-webs that swagged every tree
In loomings and gloomings of dark sorcery.
No sunbeam could slip through those corpsickly pines
No glow could untangle the strangulous vines
There wasn’t a glimmer! There wasn’t a glim!
Oh, never had Bilbo seen forest so dim.
The dwarves all were grumbly with rumbling tums,
For most of their food was now chowed down to crumbs.

The hobbit was famished with ravenous fam
Their poultry was paltry, they’d finished the ham.
They tried shooting squirrels as black as coal tar
But which tasted the same, and one doesn’t go far.
Those thirteen-plus-one had no lunch, not the least –
When suddenly – wondrously! – there lay a feast!

A shizzling of torches blazed out of the wood
Which moments ago had been black, and a good
Smell of cooking, and singing! came winging this way,
And “We’ll have some of that!” Bilbo heard Thorin say.
You go!” said the dwarf, “For of you they won’t be
Quite so scared.” (Although Bilbo thought, “What about me?”)
So the hobbit crept into the glade to say “Please”,
But the second his hairy foot trod through the trees
In one puffulous puff every lantern went snuff!
Here was darker than There, and There was dark enough
Of revelers merry was left not a hint,
Not a glint of their fires, not an After Eight mint.

And Bilbo lay dizzified, mazed in a dream
Of scrumptible hot cakes and roasted ice cream
A sumptuous banquet his friends could not share
Till, waking, he cried out in fear, “Are you there?”
To find the dwarves gone was one ghastly surprise
Not so bad as the next one: a red pair of eyes!
But two eyes were lonely, so here gleamed two others
Right over a third pair, as close as six brothers.
“Insect eyes!” Bilbo cried as he jumped up to flee
(For he was no wiz at entomology)

Then flat on his face he fell, fuddled with dread
In a mesh and a muddle of thick spider thread.
In no time at all he’d be wrapped up with cord
But Bilbo, thank goodness, remembered his sword,
That short elvish pen-knife of just the right size-
Out it swished with a swash, and he slashed at those eyes.
Well, if ever you’ve poked out a spider’s six peepers,
You’ll know they don’t like it; it gives them the jeepers
(It’s on their hate-list after plugholes and slippers).
This giant arachnid, attacked in mid-meal,
Went bonkers berserk, till a fresh flash of steel
Quite abolished its abdomen, thorax or head –
Anatomy schmatomy, that thing was dead.

The hobbit stood shaking, alone in the night,
Chalk white from his bug-eyed long-leggedy fright
And wishing, I’m sure, for more friends, light, or height.
But he wiped on the grass the beast-blood from his blade
And slowly began to feel not so afraid.
Bilbo gazed at his sword in the gloom glistening –
“I will give you a name,” he said. “I’ll call you Sting.”

**************

Runner Up – Smaug/Bilbo Seussified by Rachel VanderWoude (Calgary, Alberta Canada)

The dragon Smaug looked fast asleep.
He snored and snuffled breathing deep.
But Bilbo crept a stealthy creep:
For Smaug’s red eye was not asleep –
No sir! It opened just a peep.
“I must not make a sound!” he thought.
“For that would really get me caught!”

But even as he thunk this think
He heard a clunk.
And then a clink.

He turned in fright,
And saw a sight!
A horrid, awful, scary sight!
Smaug was not dead, not dead by half.
He sniffed a sniff
Then laughed a laugh.

“I smell a thief!
I smell a rat!
A sneaky, theivy
Rat at that!
I smell your smell
Upon the air.
I can’t see you
But you are there.
Come help yourself,
There’s gold to spare!”

But Bilbo knew it was a ruse.
“Tremendous Smaug, I must refuse.
The one wonderful thing that I came here to see
Was if you’re as great as they said you would be!
I’ve heard of your grandness, O master of fires,
And I’m quite glad to say that my friends are not liars!

“Ah, is that so?” the worm replied.
(And sounded rather satisfied.)
“Good manners for a thieving pest
But I must ask a small request:
You seem to know my name quite well,
But I cannot quite place your smell.
Where are you from, and what’s your name?
Be quick, or you shall feel my flame!”

“Under hill is where I’m from,
And over other hills I’ve come.
Over ground and through the air,
And walked unseen most everywhere!”

“This may be true
But all the same,”
The dragon said,
“It’s not your name.”
“A Web-cutter.
A Fly stinger.
A chosen lucky
Number-inger.
A bag I’m from,
A bag I be,
But no bag
Did go over me.”

“Lovely names,” the dragon sneered.
“The oddest that I ever heared.”

Bilbo was proud,
He was proud of his wit,
And was no longer frightened—
Not one little bit!
“I have more names, O Smaug!
I am many more things.
I am Friend of the bears,
And of birds with great wings.
I am Wearer of luck,
And companion of kings,
I am Rider of barrels
And winner of rings!”

Now dragons always like to guess
At riddles and at cleverness.
(I don’t know why this thing is so.
You want to know? Go ask your bro!)
But Bilbo knew just what to say
To hide his name and make Smaug play.

Smaug was quite smart and he well understood
That most of the names would do him little good.
But one thing he took from the thief’s witty words:
In Esgaroth, barrels were common as birds.

“I haven’t been there for an age and an age,
I haven’t been there since I grew old and sage.
But that will soon change”,
Thought the worm in a rage,
“I’ll burn them to bits like they’re mice in a cage!”

“Was Barrel your pony? Then he tasted quite good.
So did the five others, just like ponies should.
Pony, you know, is a marvellous treat.
You boil it up nicely and chop off the feet
And barbeque crisply the rest of the meat,
Then chew it up nicely: it’s crunchy and sweet!
(Making it right is a difficult feat
But if you can do it, it’s scrumptious to eat!)
Those nags were quite good, so I’ll make you a deal.
I’ll tell you a thing in return for the meal.
You may walk unseen, but you don’t walk alone!
And Dwarves are worse friends than a stick or a stone.”

“Dwarves!?” cried poor Bilbo, pretending surprise,
With his heart in his stomach and fear in his eyes.

“Yes, I know the smell, and the taste of nice Dwarfs,
I know when I’ve eaten a Dwarf-ridden horse.
I could smell Dwarf in the thickest of fog,
Don’t insult me, Ring-winner, for I am Great Smaug!”

Now Bilbo was brave,
But he was in a cave…
(And you’d be scared too,
If he switched spots with you.)

He thought to himself,
“You will get yourself stewed!
If you keep going on
In this sort of a mood!”

“I hope you know, Smaug, it was not only gold
Which brought us from out of the world to your hold—”

“Aha! So it’s true!”
Said the dragon with glee.
“You admit to the us!
You admit to the we!”
Why don’t you say fourteen, I quite know it’s true!
Why else would you have fourteen ponies with you?
I expect you feel clever, and sure of reward
For finding them things like that cup from my hoard.
Did they tip you for that?
Did they take it away,
And tell you they’d pay you
On some other day?
And if they do pay you, what then, goodness me!
Did they offer to help you take back your whole fee?
Why think of the cartings! The haulings! The rollings!
Think of the guards, and of paying the tollings!”

Poor Bilbo was speechless! He hadn’t at all
Given thought to the riches that he’d have to haul.
But from small Hobbit heart to his feet, soft and furry,
He meant to stay true to his friends, and not worry.

“I’m rather afraid that you’re all in a mix
About who’s kidding who, and who’s playing the tricks.
Surely, O Smaug, unassesably wealthy,
You must know that hate can get rather unhealthy.
We journeyed o’er hill, not for gold and lozenge;
Oh no! Our main mission, you see, was REVENGE.

Then Smaug laughed a laugh that was dreadfully loud.
Bilbo fell to his feet and quite terrified, bowed!
(Forgetting of course, that he couldn’t be seen,
Or else I don’t really know where he’d have been!)

“Revenge?” said the dragon.
“Revenge,” he did smirk.
“King under the mountain is dead, that’s my work.
I ate up his kin like a wolf among sheep!
I gobbled the women before they could weep!
My claws are like spearheads, my armour like shields,
My wings beat a hurricane, flattening fields.
My breath is like death, it is fiery hot:
Revenge? I have never heard such utter rot!”

“I’ve heard,” squeaked our hero, “That dragons are dressed
In the finest of waistcoats: all but the – er – chest.”

“You’ve heard rather wrongly,” said Smaug, anger-filled.
“I’m armoured all over: I cannot be killed!”

“I do wish you’d show me,” the Hobbit sighed sadly.
“For really, I do want to see your hide badly!”

The dragon rolled over and crowed, “No indeed!
There isn’t a sword that could make this worm bleed!”

“Staggering! Marvelous!
Dazzling! Flawless!
There’s no thing on this earth
That could render you pawless!
But inside he was scornful, and thought, “You old fool!”
There’s a spot on your belly without any jewel!
That’s a mighty fine place for an arrow to stick!”
Then he thought about how to get out of there, quick.

“Smaug the magnificent, I am afraid
That I’ve talked long enough and am quite overstayed!
I hope you have fun catching ponies tonight,
For you won’t catch this burglar!”
And with that he took flight.

But as Smaug’s angry fire came flaming behind him,
His common sense finally really did find him.
“Bilbo, you foolish and silly old Baggins!
I’ll just tell you once: never laugh at live dragons!”

**************

Runner Up – What the Bee Saw by Arlothia (Washington State)

The Bumble Bee looked up
From his garden of pollen
To see a grey hat—
A wizard come a-callin’!

“What’s this?” asked the Bee
To himself as he flew,
But he soon saw the grey hat’s
Companion—there were two!

He was a short little man
With fuzzy wuzzy toes.
A Hobbit he was
And his name was Bilbo.

“Who are you?” asked Beorn
“And what do you want?”
So the wizard sat down
And told of their jaunt.

And oh what a tale!
What adventure! What danger!
But just at the good part
There came a cliff-hanger.

The wizard gave a whistle
And the Bee looked around
To see two colored hoods
Approach at the sound.

They were Dwarves the Bee saw
As they came in a queue.
One hooded in purple,
The first in sky blue.

“I’m Thorin! And Dori!”
They said as they bowed.
And Beorn, quite grumpy,
Said “My! What a crowd!

I do not like guests,
No I don’t! No siree!
You, wizard, have brought me
Not one, two, but three!”

Please let me continue!”
Said Gandalf the Grey.
“Once you hear all our tale
You will want us to stay.”

“Then go on with the telling!”
Said Beorn, quite gruff.
The Bee settled down.
This was really good stuff!

But their story of mountains
And Goblins and chases
Was stopped once again
When appeared two new faces!

“We come at your service,”
Said Nori and Ori.
“Sit down,” said the Bear-Man,
“Let’s get on with the story!”

The new purple and grey hoods
Did not waste time stallin’.
But just at that moment
Came Balin and Dwalin.

In proper Dwarf fashion
Red and green hoods were doffed
But they didn’t get far
Before their wagging was stopped.

“Jack-in-the-boxes!
That’s what you are, see?
Popping up on my doorstep
And disturbing my bees.

Do you have any more?
Will there come one more pair?
Two more Dwarves somewhere out there
To tangle in my hair?”

And just at that moment,
As I’m sure you have guessed,
Came Fili and Kili,
Running after the rest.

“Sit down and be quiet
You matching blue hoods.
No ‘Hellos’ or bowing
Is that understood?

Now go on with your tale,
You wizard of grey,
Despite your bad manners
I’ll hear what you way.”

So Gandalf continued
But the Bee then looked down.
Up came Oin and Gloin,
A white hood behind brown.

“Well now you’re a dozen.
I hope there’s no more.
Housing this party
Has become quite a chore.

Hurry up! Hurry up now!
Your tale is not done.
There were Wargs and blue fire!
Now what is to come?

But the story must wait
For the Bee had just seen
Bouncing hoods of bright yellow
Then, puffing, pale green.

Bifur and Bofur
And Bombur at last!
And now with these three
We have filled out our cast.

“That’s it!” said the Bear-Man.
“That does it I say!
Fifteen is rather
Too much for one day!”

“Let me finish!” cried Gandalf.
“Right quick! On the double!
Let me finish! I’ll tell you
How we got out of trouble.

The Eagles swooped in—
On their backs we went flying.
Their timing was perfect
Or else we’d be frying.

To the Carrock they flew us,
Right up to the top.
Then we walked our way here
And right here we have stopped.”

“My, my! What a story!
Quite a good one I’d say.
But the day is now ending.
You’d all better stay.”

Then they all went inside,
The Bee watched them all go:
The grey-hatted wizard
Then the Hobbit, Bilbo.

They paraded inside,
First the blue hoods, then white.
Then brown, grey, and purples.
Watch them go! What a sight!

The red followed yellows
Then last came the greens.
It was the strangest hood party
That you’ve ever seen!

To his garden of flowers
The Bee then took wing.
“I’m done for today.
Now I’ve seen everything!”

Posted in Contests, Events, Fans, Parodies, TheOneRing.net Community, TORn TUESDAYS Live!

TORn chats with PeckishOwl creator of the Oakentoons

oakentoon_logo_by_peckishowl-d6ljafpOver the last week I’ve had the pleasure of chatting with PeckishOwl about her hilarious Oakentoons.   We discussed where she gets her inspirations for the various toons and which one she loves the most.  I hope you enjoy the interview as much as I did doing it.   So without further ado, over to PeckishOwl 🙂

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Posted in Creations, Fans, Hobbit Book, Hobbit Movie, Lord of the Rings, LotR Books, LotR Movies, Parodies, The Hobbit, The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey, The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug, The Hobbit: There and Back Again, TheOneRing.net Community

TORn Message Boards Weekly Roundup – September 29, 2013

Tolkienia MonumentWelcome to our collection of TORn’s hottest topics for the past week.  If you’ve fallen behind on what’s happening on the Message Boards, here’s a great way to catch up on the highlights.  Or if you’re new to TORn and want to enjoy some great conversations, just follow the links to some of our most popular discussions.  Watch this space as every weekend we will spotlight the most popular buzz  on TORn’s Message Boards.  Everyone is welcome, so come on in and enjoy the fun!

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Posted in Creations, Fans, Hobbit Book, Hobbit Movie, Lord of the Rings, LotR Books, LotR Movies, Parodies, The Hobbit, TheOneRing.net Community