We’ve got a transcript of PJ’s Empire Awards Acceptance Speech, thanks to Ringer Spy WeeTanya *
Setting: The WETA armor room.
Peter Jackson is completely decked out in a suit of Middle Earth armor, swinging a mighty sword around.
Richard is standing to one side of him, avoiding the sword.
Peter Jackson [P]: I get to kill all these guys now, it’s going to be great, Richard. In a 13 episode series, 1 hour episodes. Jackson the Barbarian, it’s going to be called, it’s gonna be cool, and it’s going straight into syndication.
Richard Taylor [R]: And who’s going to play the lead?
R: Of course!
P: Nonono — I’m okay, I watched what they were doing. I saw Viggo, I know his tricks. I know exactly what he did…
R: And the cast? Who are you imagining?
P: Oh we’ll get a good cast — I don’t think it’s gonna be a problem. You know, the first episode, right, I’m on this big pirate galley, and I’m kinda fighting off all these pirates, and I’m just killing everybody — but then this big galleon just crashes into an iceberg, so I thought I’d offer that one to Bernard Shaw.
R: Yeah, he’d be the man.
P: Yeah — No — he’s got no sense of direction, the poor bugger, no sense of direction. And Billy Boyd, Dominic Moghnahan, I think they could play this kind of romantic couple. You know, one of them would have to dress up as a woman, but that’s what they used to do on the weekends.
R: They’re pretty used to that.
P: Yep. Happened all — every weekend.
P: Of course Sir Ian McKellen, he wants to be a wizard again.
R: The frocks? It’s the frocks.
P: Yeah, it’s the frocks. He doesn’t want to go back into Shakespeare, he found his true calling wearing the pointy hat. And you know of course I’ve got a love interest, and it’s going to be Cate Blanchet.
R: Yeah? And, ah, think she’ll do it?
P: Yeah — oh yeah, yeah yeah — well, I mean no — I guess she probably will.
R: You’ve asked her.
P: No, but there was a vibe, ay, when she was out in New Zealand — there was a special little something between us — that was good — that was good. And, you know, I’ve even got a role for Andy Serkis in this film.
R: Of course, excellent.
P: He gets to play this little earthworm. And you know what, I’ve got this amazing idea, where he’s this little worm, and he keeps having these kinda internal arguments with himself, because he doesn’t know whether or not he’s the head or the bum. And he kinda keeps debating it amongst himself — you know — it’s gonna be cool. It’s great.
R: Any idea — what about the costumes, the props? Where we gonna get those from?
P: We’ll just use these — I mean all we gotta do is paint them a different color — and New Line would never know.
R: Right exactly we’ll get the spray cans out… chop it up, refit [?] it.
P: Just like spray it purple, put a little pink over here, and it’s gonna be cool.
R: A few feathers… Good, good!
P: And Bob’s your uncle, Bob’s your uncle.
R: So Pete, I know you came to talk about the film, but…
P: [Notices the film crew] Jeezus, what are they doing here?
R: Well, actually I didn’t tell you. We’re not actually here to talk about the film — I asked you to come along — I know you’re keen to always get into the costumes. But look, it’s actually an award that we’ve been given. The good people at Empire have given us Best Film of the Year award.
P: Fantastic! Oh this is just so cool! Best Film for Jacko the Barbarian, and we haven’t even started filming it! Oh this is just fantastic.
Look, I’d just like to thank Empire Magazine, and all of the readers at Empire that voted for Jacko the Barbarian, it’s just a wonderful sign of faith. And I’d like to thank all of the cast that haven’t been in it yet, but are going to be in it.
And this is just so…
R: Isn’t it.
R: Hey, thanks guys! Jacko lives!
Both: [Dance around] Wooohooo! Wooohooo