August 16, 2001 A.P.J
I, Luthien B. Tinuviel, III, set down these words in the first place to illuminate the events which occurred at the gathering known formally as The First Ever Conclave Of All Fans Near and Sundry From The Online Entity Known As TheOneRing.Net, or colloquially, Barlibash 2001, and in the second place, to correct and oppose the libelous information formerly penned by He-Who-Plans-With-Ulcer, also known as Curunir, and posted on the above mentioned online entity.
Even now, as I close my eyes, the muggy Chicago landscape swims before me, and I find myself shaking once more at the remembered horrors, wonders and revelations which occurred during those five days in early August. Those who know the truth have kept their silence until now, but I cannot in good consciousness uphold this any longer. Great effort and subterfuge went into the maintenance of an “innocent Tolkien convention front”, however, it was merely a façade. I feel it is my consummate duty to alert the rest of the online community to the true nature of their “chat” compatriots. I know that setting this down means almost certain death, but in good consciousness, and for my own sanity, I cannot keep these secrets to myself any longer. They are eating me alive. Therefore, dear reader, by the time you read this, know that I may already be gone, and that my last wish was to bequeath this knowledge to you; proceed with caution and the utmost of care, and may God have mercy on our souls!
The following I set down as TRUTH:
1) Ringlass is wanted in five States on nine counts of Reckless Photography and three counts of First Degree Camera Abuse. Do not give this woman a camera! Though she often disguises herself as a 14 year old and exudes a sweet, girl-next-door wholesomeness, when armed with a camera, she becomes a ruthless Shutterbug capable of snapping the most indicting and voyeuristic of photos. Tookish, Nicole Kidman, Hilary Clinton and Gandhi (among others, whom I cannot name) have all fallen victim to the cruel gaze of her lens. I should also add that her “chaperone” is a highly skilled Martial Arts Master who will defend her mistress to the death, if need be (and if present).
2) Arathorn IS in many ways the simple Purveyor of British Accents, Parlour Tricks and Piano Tomfoolery which he passes himself off as, but he is also the love-child of Mrs. Potter and Hugh Grant, and has been carrying on a sordid affair with Tori Amos (his mysterious “Lady_T”) for the past three years. Furthermore, he will try to sell you Physics Equations for a steep price. Gentle reader, E = mc2 is NOT a new concept, nor is y = mx+b; demand fair market price for these equations at all times, as he’ll try his best to rip you off.
3) Pippin_Took, aka “MacPuffy Took” has been hiding under the disguise of Pippin_Took after five consecutive nominations in People Magazine, Cosmopolitan, Entertainment, Maxim and Martha Stewart Living as the Most Eligible Bachelor of 2001. His representatives deny all claims that he was even “in the Chicago area” in August, however, close and personal friends of MacPuffy have asserted in confidence that he fled to the Windy City after having been presented with 3 tons of fan mail, 180 wedding proposals and Britney Spears, who arrived in an overnight FedEx box (delivered by Samgamgee7), begging for his love.
4) Tookish and Thorongil, while often mistaken for two separate people, is actually ONE PERSON, separated from himself at birth and raised in two different states. In his Tookish incarnation, he bears a slight resemblance to Michael Stipe and has the unusual habit of posing like a muppet in most of his photos (except when deluged by a freak Ringlass kamikaze photo strike – see above). In his Thorongil incarnation, he will speak with a decidedly Lawng Eyeland accent and choose Hawaiin shirts as a fashion statement. The mystery of how he manages to not only be in two places at the same time, but TWO SEPARATE PEOPLE in the same room, not only baffles the scientific community, but has absolutely confuzzled his two wives as well, who met each other through their mutual husband a year ago, much to their own surprise.
5) Though my attack on Curunir was not wholly unprovoked, it was actually a pre-emptive strike to counter the Severe Global Tickling which he had masterminded in association with the People’s Front of Hysteria (a deadly terrorist group responsible for the disruptive sniggering at the Inauguration of George W. Bush, the 43rd President of these our United States, as well as the vicious Laugh Attack on Beijing in June of 1999), and which was scheduled to occur that very day at precisely 3:30 pm EST, 0:21:00 GMT. Do not be fooled by Curunir’s somber appearance! Beneath it, he can wield a Smile, Grin, and Smirk with frightening accuracy and precision, and I was well aware of this fact as I proceeded to dump water on his head. Although I suffered at the hands of Ringlass and her ungodly photography, because of my diversion, Curunir was forced to carry me down the streets of Chicago on his back and the Severe Global Tickling did NOT proceed as scheduled. If I am still alive after this proclamation has been issued, feel free to thank me then. P.S. Vincent L. McCooley, aka “Nob”, was one of the other leaders of this planned Severe Global Tickling, and is still at large. Avoid any and ALL random tickle-tackles in Barliman’s, as these are often used as tests for new weapons developed by the People’s Front of Hysteria.
6) There was not a cow left standing in a fifty mile radius around Chicago after the Bash. This is due in part to the deadly killing spree that Balin and Jincey went on, leaving four cows dead and several wounded (see below), but also because several of the Bash participants were not really Bash participants, but Android Locusts originally invented in 1995 to contain the spread of Mad Cow Disease. Upon escaping in 1998, they made for America, Land of Endless Beef, and have been seen razing local McDonald’s to the ground in their frenzies. During Bash, these Locusts ravished quiet farms, verdant pastures and Bobby Chinn’s in their insatiable quest for food. Though I cannot specify their real names, as according to Scientific Patent Law § 349, Statute 5, I can only affirm that in a strange twist of fate (given the history of the Chicago Fire of 1871), there was not ONE cow (painted or otherwise) left in the Chicago area after August 5th.
7) Wesley is not merely a mead-maker, but is also currently Chief Pyro for the Rock sensation Pyre of Skulls. Prior to working for Pyre, Wesley was employed as Chief Pyro for Guns & Roses, NIN, and Limp Trisquit, and his fires have been seen all over the United States.
8) Saint is anything but. And his “active” hands are prosthetics.
9) Opus. The mystery that shrouds this man, cloaked humbly as a master pianist and guerrilla composer, is too dense for even my own acute eyes to unravel. I can only leave you with the small scraps of knowledge that I have amassed up unto this point, knowing that they are somehow connected, and that Opus was personally involved in all of them, but unsure as to how they fit together: Watergate, Iran Contra, JFK Assassination, Invention of Pantyhose, Titanic Winning 12 Oscars, Rodney Dangerfield, Lemurs and the 2001 “Election”. May you succeed where I have failed!
J) I will concede that Corvar owns TheOneRing.net. However, the fact that he also owns Google.Com, Amazon.com, Dancinghampsters.com, Bill Gates and the patent on “Intel Inside” is not so widely known. I would also like to inform you that he owns three racehorses, some realestate in Sri Lanka, most of North Dakota, the chair you’re sitting on, and the breath you just inhaled.
10) Day II, downtown Chicago. Jincey and Balin, contrary to Curunir’s propaganda, did NOT attend the Planetarium as otherwise stated, but instead rampaged through the streets of Chicago, killing four cows, wounding several others, maiming local architecture and running over a hot-dog vendor in their haste. Chicago police have recently dubbed them “The New Bonnie & Clyde”, and are currently seeking information. Jincey was last seen dressed as a 15th century English Noble Lady, presiding over Banquets. Balin was last seen at GenCon trying to trade Peter Jackson, one Ent and 5 and 1/3 hobbits for a Magick the Gathering starter-pack.
L) I am NOT a hoover. Nor am I a Linebacker. Nor do I eat like one. These are blatant, pernicious lies, and should be treated as such. Any food on your plate will be left on your plate, with my compliments.
12) After the damage inflicted upon downtown Chicago by Jincey and Balin’s spree, Gamgee gathered the fallen hot-dogs from the victim vendor?s cart and spent the remainder of his time handing out hot-dogs, buns and “fixins” to homeless people in the Chicago area. Do not believe the slander that has been uttered against this gentle man! For his kindness and selflessness, the Chicago Archbishop has recently named Gamgee “Bonaface Gaffer, IX” and money has been raised for the commission of a “Gamgee Delivering Hot Dogs” memorial statue, which will replace some of the maimed architecture from the above-mentioned massacre, proving again the unlikely good which can be obtained from Fell Meats (and fallen meats).
13) Pipesmoke will talk your ear off, if you let him. He currently has 1,946 ears in his collection, from over 90 different countries, running the full gamut in color, shape and age. The rumors circulating regarding Van Gogh’s ear are false, however, Pipesmoke CAN sell you some property on the moon, if you’re interested.
14) Unbeknownst to many of the Barlibash attendees, there was a celebrity in their midst (excuding MacPuffy, of course). In 1996, Zorina singlehandedly captured the Miss Texas Junior Crown, the National Miss Enthusiasm Crown, the Party Planners of America Title, Miss Northeastern Congeniality, The Pulitzer Prize, The Nebula and the Cheerleaders Alumni Service Award. However, do not be blinded by her award-winning radiance. Miss Zorina is also extremely well connected. Not only was she able to finnagle posters, but she also convinced Sir Ian McKellan to make a guest appearance as the bartender, Juan Ramirez, during the reception. It speaks to his acting abilities that not a SINGLE person recognized him throughout the evening.
15) I must address the matter of Samgamgee7, who posed throughout the weekend as a kind-hearted SpedRex employee with an easy smile. The SpedRex courier is merely a front for one of the most diabolical bootlegging operations still in existence. Samgamgee7, formerly the Dread Pirate McCabe, has been running Wesley’s mead through the Prohibitionist blockades for over fifteen years, and knows every back-alley, underground railroad, short-cut, long-cut, smooth-cut, no-hander, cellar, pit-stop, under-the-table deal, lick-’em-stick-’em-send-’em-on-their-way, short-stack, short-stop, lot-lizard and IHOP in America. Naturally, one of the perks of being the greatest bootlegger known to Man (and Womankind – when we’re feeling kind), is the sampling of the product, and Samgamgee’s tastes in food and wine are unparalleled.
16) Dragons do exist.
17) Finally, Michael Jordan is God (and all religious questions should be addressed to Pipesmoke).
This I do set down as being true and incontrovertible. The collision of worlds at Barlibash 2001 was both heady and dangerous, and I am thankful to have escaped alive. If you do not hear from me in the next few weeks, one of the agents of one of the above mentioned must have done his or her job well. Nevertheless, take what I have said to heart, and BE WARY. Barlibash 2002 will only be worse!
Yours in verisimilitude, Luthien B. Tinuviel, III