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The nine habits of the highly successful Nazgûl

June 7, 2014 at 12:09 am by Demosthenes  - 

lord-of-the-rings-the-fellowship-of-the-ring-nazgul  
Why do some Nazgûl thrive when commanded to hunt their master’s stolen Ring while others falter under pressure?

Why do some revel in the responsibility of throwing down their enemy when others wither like fog in strong sunlight?

You might not know it, but nine (count them!) keenly honed success habits keep them hot on the trail.

Nazgûl apprentices, here are those nine instinctive habits that the most successful Ringwraiths employ to keep the Dark Lord number one.

Read and learn.

1
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Let your powers combine.

Captain Planet does it. Voltron does it. The Power Rangers too. So take heed: when it matters, ensure you gather under your fell leader so that even the Wise might fear to face you. 

 

2
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Wear black. Lots and lots of black.

Black’s slimming. It never goes out of style. And the effect is scary as the Dickens when when you loom menacingly into view of your prey just as the light fades. Muahahahahaha!

 

3
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Embrace your hydrophobia!

Never forget that you and water do not get along. At all. In that sense, you might as well be the Wicked Witch-king of the West. Next time you consider fording that tiny creek? Think twice.

 

4
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Stab it with a Morgul Blade.

They say if you love it, put a ring on it. But only the Dark Lord may do that. Use a Morgul Blade to express your affection instead. It’s the smart way to ensure your new BFF will stay by your side always and forever!

 

5
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Take spare robes and remounts.

For a Ringwraith, few things are more humiliating than having to crawl back naked and unclothed to your Dark Lord because your impromptu dip went pear-shaped. So for the love of Morgoth, pack extra robes (black, of course) and take a spare horse or an enormous flying raptor thing just in case!

 

6
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Let your minions do the dying for you.

Need to destroy the gates of the enemy fortress? Compel your horde of minions to do it for you! Drive them before you like cattle until they fear you more than the enemy’s darts and arrows. Don’t forget to ride to your glorious victory over the crushed, mutilated corpses of friend and foe for additional intimidation.

 

7
Witch-king stabs Frodo
Remember, fear is your chief weapon.

And surprise. And an almost fanatical devotion to The Po… err … Sauron. Anyway, the key point is intimidate your opponents (or your minions) until they give you want you want, or flee in terror.

 

8

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Always stop to smell the roses.

Your sense of smell is even better than a labrador’s or a beagle’s. Only the fooolish Nazgûl rush heedlessly ahead. Savour the scents and let your nose guide you to that which your Dark Lord desires.

 

9

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Never tell them your name.

You are one of the Nazgûl, the chief and most-feared servants of the Dark Lord, not a friendly camp counsellor. Be the Nameless Fear. Names are for lesser minions — and, seemingly, Khamûl, because he just has to be different from everyone else. Of course. Such an ego.

 

Co-credit to Lurking Laurie for helping develop this most amusing concept. Photo and image credits: John Howe and New Line Cinema.

Posted in Creations, Fans, Fellowship of the Ring, Green Books, Lord of the Rings, LotR Books, Parodies, Return of the King, The Two Towers on June 7, 2014 by

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