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Nine ultra-cool tidbits we were denied in the teaser trailer

December 27, 2011 at 8:56 pm by Demosthenes  - 

We all know lists are ridiculously subjective. Ever tried to come up with your top four-and-a-half music albums of all time? Or your three favourite sightings of the Yeti? I bet they have no resemblance to mine.

So, in the spirit of that sort of subjectivity, here are nine things we were denied in the trailer that I reckon would have been really cool to see.

Why nine? Nine rings, nine Nazgul, nine walkers. Nine is a great number. Embrace it. Take it to a loud metal gig. Buy it dinner. Ten sucks.

Anyway…

Number 9. Sauron

Eye of Sauron
It’s a long way from Dol Guldur to Barad-dur floating in the back of a cart.

Sauron tearing the one remaining Dwarven ring from the possession of Thrain in the pits of Dol Guldur. Of course Peter Jackson’s Sauron is a flaming eyeball, and might find that difficult. But wouldn’t that have been seriously Tolkien nerdy?

Number 8. The Elven King’s halls.

The Halls of the Elven king
Tolkien’s sketch of the Elven king’s Halls.

Tell me you don’t want to see Tolkien’s sketch from the Hobbit gloriously re-created by those Weta Digital wizards. It’ll be awesome.

Number 7. Orlando Bloom.

Legolas shield-surfing in the Two Towers
Remember this Legolas moment at the Hornburg? Yeah, I’d repressed it too.

Orli’s going to have to work hand to out-comedy Bombur and out-shoot Kili. Simple dwarf tossing won’t be enough. (Besides, Bombur would be too heavy) Maybe he’ll paraglide into the Battle of the Five Armies off the back of an Eagle. I reckon he’d be ace at HALO jumps.

Number 6. The Master.

Stephen Fry as Lord Melchett in Blackadder
The toadying Lord Melchett.

Of Laketown, that is (though I do love me some Roger Delgado). Have you ever seen Blackadder? Check out Stephen Fry as the pompous Lord Melchett in season two, or as the stark, raving mad General Melchett in season four to get an idea of just how well he’s going to fit this role.

Number 5. The goblin chief.

Sir Not-Appearing-In-This-Trailer
Sir Not-Appearing-In-This-Trailer

In fact, orcs and goblins in general. The trailer for The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey is a goblin and orc-free zone! Well, that’s certainly unexpected.

Number 4. Giants!

Giants and footballs
What a giant kicking a football might look like.

I certainly would have loved to have seen these enigmatic creatures of Tolkien’s that never appear in Middle-earth except for a few obscure references in the Hobbit. The lack makes me want to kick people sky-high like a football.

Number 3. Eagles!

You'll have to wait a bit longer to see eagles
Will we get an eagle air-service?

In this trailer, the eagles don’t dare. Maybe they were fog-bound.

Number 2. Speaking trolls.

But does it talk?
A cave troll. Does it talk?

We got roaring, fighting trolls. But do Bert and Ernie … I mean, Bert, William and Tom speak? Cockney accents? I’m sorry, that’s still highly classified.

Number 1. Smaug.

Smaug!
There’s your Smaug!

Might as well have wished for next week’s winning lotto numbers. For now, you’ll have to content yourself with some pretty cursive script and Tolkien’s famous map sketch.

Bootnote: please excuse my terrible html. I’m a writer, not a coder.

Posted in Headlines, Hobbit Movie, The Hobbit on December 27, 2011 by