So today is Earth Day, and that’s a fine and wonderful thing. But we are geeks, so we don’t need much of an excuse to take the celebration of a holiday to an extreme.

Wired has now invoked the spirit of geekitude and taken it to an extreme. They ask: how should Middle-earth Day be celebrated by its residents?   And like The Nine rings of men, they have nine humble suggestions.

9. Install a solar water heater atop your Hobbit hole.

8. Switch to the Thrush Communications Network. Tired of messages taking days or weeks to be delivered? Trust a thrush to quickly deliver your important dragon-slaying tips to all those who need to know. It saves the resources a journey by foot or steed would consume, and the thrushes are glad to help.

7. Learn the ways of the elves. You think it’s tough providing for your family for a few decades? Try 10,000 years sometime. Imagine how good they must be at conservation!

6. Reuse Shelob’s silk to make clothing. I mean, there has to be a ton of the stuff in the cave she used to inhabit, and all her offspring disappeared. Waste not, want not, right?

5. Save torches: Bring Sting and an orc with you. Really, any weapon forged in Gondolin will do if Sting isn’t available. Note: GeekDad will not be held responsible for your failure to restrain the orc adequately.

4. In order to avoid taxing Middle-Earth’s resources, never open your door to a wizard. Especially if you’re a Baggins — it will only lead you to trouble.

3. Bring gifts to Fangorn forest. The Ents may not be good at showing their appreciation, but that’s just a facade. Reminder: Candles and maple syrup are inappropriate gifts.

2. Be sure to dispose of Rings of Power in the proper receptacle. They are not — we repeat, not — recyclable.

1. Remember Bard the Bowman’s Tip: You can eliminate the Smaug over your town if you have the right information (see #8).