So, according to me, the props people sent their latest version of Gandalf’s staff to Queenstown for approval from PJ. Some guy unpacks it from its box, thinks, ‘Wow, this looks like it would really do the business at the Ford of Rivendell.” He’s the sort of guy that wears one of those T-shirts with “Real Men don’t need Instructions,” printed on it. He strikes a pose, waves the staff at the Clutha River, and next thing you know they’re declaring a state of emergency downstream in Alexandra.

Righto, I know, you come here to get real news. Sorry, I like my version better.