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Thank you to everyone that entered September’s Rewrite Tolkien contest – there were a lot of great entries!\u00a0 Unfortunately we could only chose one winning entry, which was read live by TOR.n’s own Quickbeam on tonight’s TOR.n Tuesday broadcast.\u00a0\u00a0We did, however, have a couple of entries that we thought deserved to be read, so scroll down for our runners up.\u00a0 And stay tuned for our October contest details tomorrow.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
September’s\u00a0winner is – Nick Green of Hertford, U.K..\u00a0<\/strong> Congratulations, Nick!<\/p>\n **************<\/p>\n Six Eyes, Eight Legs, One Sword By J R R Tolkien and Dr Seuss, as dictated to Nick Green (Hertford, UK)<\/strong><\/p>\n Mirkwood was murky as murky could be The hobbit was famished with ravenous fam A shizzling of torches blazed out of the wood And Bilbo lay dizzified, mazed in a dream Then flat on his face he fell, fuddled with dread The hobbit stood shaking, alone in the night, **************<\/p>\n Runner Up – Smaug\/Bilbo Seussified by Rachel VanderWoude (Calgary, Alberta Canada)<\/strong><\/p>\n The dragon Smaug looked fast asleep. But even as he thunk this think He turned in fright, \u201cI smell a thief! But Bilbo knew it was a ruse. \u201cAh, is that so?\u201d the worm replied. \u201cUnder hill is where I\u2019m from, \u201cThis may be true \u201cLovely names,\u201d the dragon sneered. Bilbo was proud, Now dragons always like to guess Smaug was quite smart and he well understood \u201cI haven\u2019t been there for an age and an age, \u201cWas Barrel your pony? Then he tasted quite good. \u201cDwarves!?\u201d cried poor Bilbo, pretending surprise, \u201cYes, I know the smell, and the taste of nice Dwarfs, Now Bilbo was brave, He thought to himself, \u201cI hope you know, Smaug, it was not only gold \u201cAha! So it\u2019s true!\u201d Poor Bilbo was speechless! He hadn\u2019t at all \u201cI\u2019m rather afraid that you\u2019re all in a mix Then Smaug laughed a laugh that was dreadfully loud. \u201cRevenge?\u201d said the dragon. \u201cI\u2019ve heard,\u201d squeaked our hero, \u201cThat dragons are dressed \u201cYou\u2019ve heard rather wrongly,\u201d said Smaug, anger-filled. \u201cI do wish you\u2019d show me,\u201d the Hobbit sighed sadly. The dragon rolled over and crowed, \u201cNo indeed! \u201cStaggering! Marvelous! \u201cSmaug the magnificent, I am afraid But as Smaug\u2019s angry fire came flaming behind him, **************<\/p>\n Runner Up – What the Bee Saw by Arlothia (Washington State)<\/strong><\/p>\n The Bumble Bee looked up \u201cWhat\u2019s this?\u201d asked the Bee He was a short little man \u201cWho are you?\u201d asked Beorn And oh what a tale! The wizard gave a whistle They were Dwarves the Bee saw \u201cI\u2019m Thorin! And Dori!\u201d I do not like guests, Please let me continue!\u201d \u201cThen go on with the telling!\u201d But their story of mountains \u201cWe come at your service,\u201d The new purple and grey hoods In proper Dwarf fashion \u201cJack-in-the-boxes! Do you have any more? And just at that moment, \u201cSit down and be quiet Now go on with your tale, So Gandalf continued \u201cWell now you\u2019re a dozen. Hurry up! Hurry up now! But the story must wait Bifur and Bofur \u201cThat\u2019s it!\u201d said the Bear-Man. \u201cLet me finish!\u201d cried Gandalf. The Eagles swooped in\u2014 To the Carrock they flew us, \u201cMy, my! What a story! Then they all went inside, They paraded inside, The red followed yellows To his garden of flowers Thank you to everyone that entered September’s Rewrite Tolkien contest – there were a lot of great entries!\u00a0…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":12,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"inline_featured_image":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[85,14,197,2008,159,1548],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-79931","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-events-contests","category-events","category-fans","category-parodies","category-torn-community","category-torn-tuesdays-live"],"aioseo_notices":[],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p1tLoH-kNd","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.theonering.net\/torwp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/79931","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.theonering.net\/torwp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.theonering.net\/torwp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.theonering.net\/torwp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/12"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.theonering.net\/torwp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=79931"}],"version-history":[{"count":6,"href":"https:\/\/www.theonering.net\/torwp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/79931\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":79941,"href":"https:\/\/www.theonering.net\/torwp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/79931\/revisions\/79941"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.theonering.net\/torwp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=79931"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.theonering.net\/torwp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=79931"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.theonering.net\/torwp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=79931"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}
\nMurk lurked in each slirkily-leafed shrubbery
\nWith cobwebs and shlob-webs that swagged every tree
\nIn loomings and gloomings of dark sorcery.
\nNo sunbeam could slip through those corpsickly pines
\nNo glow could untangle the strangulous vines
\nThere wasn\u2019t a glimmer! There wasn\u2019t a glim!
\nOh, never had Bilbo seen forest so dim.
\nThe dwarves all were grumbly with rumbling tums,
\nFor most of their food was now chowed down to crumbs.<\/p>\n
\nTheir poultry was paltry, they\u2019d finished the ham.
\nThey tried shooting squirrels as black as coal tar
\nBut which tasted the same, and one doesn\u2019t go far.
\nThose thirteen-plus-one had no lunch, not the least \u2013
\nWhen suddenly – wondrously! \u2013 there lay a feast!<\/p>\n
\nWhich moments ago had been black, and a good
\nSmell of cooking, and singing! came winging this way,
\nAnd \u201cWe\u2019ll have some of that!\u201d Bilbo heard Thorin say.
\nYou go!\u201d said the dwarf, \u201cFor of you they won\u2019t be
\nQuite so scared.\u201d (Although Bilbo thought, \u201cWhat about me?\u201d)
\nSo the hobbit crept into the glade to say \u201cPlease\u201d,
\nBut the second his hairy foot trod through the trees
\nIn one puffulous puff every lantern went snuff!
\nHere was darker than There, and There was dark enough
\nOf revelers merry was left not a hint,
\nNot a glint of their fires, not an After Eight mint.<\/p>\n
\nOf scrumptible hot cakes and roasted ice cream
\nA sumptuous banquet his friends could not share
\nTill, waking, he cried out in fear, \u201cAre you there?\u201d
\nTo find the dwarves gone was one ghastly surprise
\nNot so bad as the next one: a red pair of eyes!
\nBut two eyes were lonely, so here gleamed two others
\nRight over a third pair, as close as six brothers.
\n\u201cInsect eyes!\u201d Bilbo cried as he jumped up to flee
\n(For he was no wiz at entomology)<\/p>\n
\nIn a mesh and a muddle of thick spider thread.
\nIn no time at all he\u2019d be wrapped up with cord
\nBut Bilbo, thank goodness, remembered his sword,
\nThat short elvish pen-knife of just the right size-
\nOut it swished with a swash, and he slashed at those eyes.
\nWell, if ever you\u2019ve poked out a spider\u2019s six peepers,
\nYou\u2019ll know they don\u2019t like it; it gives them the jeepers
\n(It\u2019s on their hate-list after plugholes and slippers).
\nThis giant arachnid, attacked in mid-meal,
\nWent bonkers berserk, till a fresh flash of steel
\nQuite abolished its abdomen, thorax or head \u2013
\nAnatomy schmatomy, that thing was dead.<\/p>\n
\nChalk white from his bug-eyed long-leggedy fright
\nAnd wishing, I\u2019m sure, for more friends, light, or height.
\nBut he wiped on the grass the beast-blood from his blade
\nAnd slowly began to feel not so afraid.
\nBilbo gazed at his sword in the gloom glistening \u2013
\n\u201cI will give you a name,\u201d he said. \u201cI\u2019ll call you Sting.\u201d<\/p>\n
\nHe snored and snuffled breathing deep.
\nBut Bilbo crept a stealthy creep:
\nFor Smaug\u2019s red eye was not asleep \u2013
\nNo sir! It opened just a peep.
\n\u201cI must not make a sound!\u201d he thought.
\n\u201cFor that would really get me caught!\u201d<\/p>\n
\nHe heard a clunk.
\nAnd then a clink.<\/p>\n
\nAnd saw a sight!
\nA horrid, awful, scary sight!
\nSmaug was not dead, not dead by half.
\nHe sniffed a sniff
\nThen laughed a laugh.<\/p>\n
\nI smell a rat!
\nA sneaky, theivy
\nRat at that!
\nI smell your smell
\nUpon the air.
\nI can\u2019t see you
\nBut you are there.
\nCome help yourself,
\nThere\u2019s gold to spare!\u201d<\/p>\n
\n\u201cTremendous Smaug, I must refuse.
\nThe one wonderful thing that I came here to see
\nWas if you\u2019re as great as they said you would be!
\nI\u2019ve heard of your grandness, O master of fires,
\nAnd I\u2019m quite glad to say that my friends are not liars!<\/p>\n
\n(And sounded rather satisfied.)
\n\u201cGood manners for a thieving pest
\nBut I must ask a small request:
\nYou seem to know my name quite well,
\nBut I cannot quite place your smell.
\nWhere are you from, and what\u2019s your name?
\nBe quick, or you shall feel my flame!\u201d<\/p>\n
\nAnd over other hills I\u2019ve come.
\nOver ground and through the air,
\nAnd walked unseen most everywhere!\u201d<\/p>\n
\nBut all the same,\u201d
\nThe dragon said,
\n\u201cIt\u2019s not your name.\u201d
\n\u201cA Web-cutter.
\nA Fly stinger.
\nA chosen lucky
\nNumber-inger.
\nA bag I\u2019m from,
\nA bag I be,
\nBut no bag
\nDid go over me.\u201d<\/p>\n
\n\u201cThe oddest that I ever heared.\u201d<\/p>\n
\nHe was proud of his wit,
\nAnd was no longer frightened\u2014
\nNot one little bit!
\n\u201cI have more names, O Smaug!
\nI am many more things.
\nI am Friend of the bears,
\nAnd of birds with great wings.
\nI am Wearer of luck,
\nAnd companion of kings,
\nI am Rider of barrels
\nAnd winner of rings!\u201d<\/p>\n
\nAt riddles and at cleverness.
\n(I don\u2019t know why this thing is so.
\nYou want to know? Go ask your bro!)
\nBut Bilbo knew just what to say
\nTo hide his name and make Smaug play.<\/p>\n
\nThat most of the names would do him little good.
\nBut one thing he took from the thief\u2019s witty words:
\nIn Esgaroth, barrels were common as birds.<\/p>\n
\nI haven\u2019t been there since I grew old and sage.
\nBut that will soon change\u201d,
\nThought the worm in a rage,
\n\u201cI\u2019ll burn them to bits like they\u2019re mice in a cage!\u201d<\/p>\n
\nSo did the five others, just like ponies should.
\nPony, you know, is a marvellous treat.
\nYou boil it up nicely and chop off the feet
\nAnd barbeque crisply the rest of the meat,
\nThen chew it up nicely: it\u2019s crunchy and sweet!
\n(Making it right is a difficult feat
\nBut if you can do it, it\u2019s scrumptious to eat!)
\nThose nags were quite good, so I\u2019ll make you a deal.
\nI\u2019ll tell you a thing in return for the meal.
\nYou may walk unseen, but you don\u2019t walk alone!
\nAnd Dwarves are worse friends than a stick or a stone.\u201d<\/p>\n
\nWith his heart in his stomach and fear in his eyes.<\/p>\n
\nI know when I\u2019ve eaten a Dwarf-ridden horse.
\nI could smell Dwarf in the thickest of fog,
\nDon\u2019t insult me, Ring-winner, for I am Great Smaug!\u201d<\/p>\n
\nBut he was in a cave…
\n(And you\u2019d be scared too,
\nIf he switched spots with you.)<\/p>\n
\n\u201cYou will get yourself stewed!
\nIf you keep going on
\nIn this sort of a mood!\u201d<\/p>\n
\nWhich brought us from out of the world to your hold\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n
\nSaid the dragon with glee.
\n\u201cYou admit to the us!
\nYou admit to the we!\u201d
\nWhy don\u2019t you say fourteen, I quite know it\u2019s true!
\nWhy else would you have fourteen ponies with you?
\nI expect you feel clever, and sure of reward
\nFor finding them things like that cup from my hoard.
\nDid they tip you for that?
\nDid they take it away,
\nAnd tell you they\u2019d pay you
\nOn some other day?
\nAnd if they do pay you, what then, goodness me!
\nDid they offer to help you take back your whole fee?
\nWhy think of the cartings! The haulings! The rollings!
\nThink of the guards, and of paying the tollings!\u201d<\/p>\n
\nGiven thought to the riches that he\u2019d have to haul.
\nBut from small Hobbit heart to his feet, soft and furry,
\nHe meant to stay true to his friends, and not worry.<\/p>\n
\nAbout who\u2019s kidding who, and who\u2019s playing the tricks.
\nSurely, O Smaug, unassesably wealthy,
\nYou must know that hate can get rather unhealthy.
\nWe journeyed o\u2019er hill, not for gold and lozenge;
\nOh no! Our main mission, you see, was REVENGE.<\/p>\n
\nBilbo fell to his feet and quite terrified, bowed!
\n(Forgetting of course, that he couldn\u2019t be seen,
\nOr else I don\u2019t really know where he\u2019d have been!)<\/p>\n
\n\u201cRevenge,\u201d he did smirk.
\n\u201cKing under the mountain is dead, that\u2019s my work.
\nI ate up his kin like a wolf among sheep!
\nI gobbled the women before they could weep!
\nMy claws are like spearheads, my armour like shields,
\nMy wings beat a hurricane, flattening fields.
\nMy breath is like death, it is fiery hot:
\nRevenge? I have never heard such utter rot!\u201d<\/p>\n
\nIn the finest of waistcoats: all but the \u2013 er \u2013 chest.\u201d<\/p>\n
\n\u201cI\u2019m armoured all over: I cannot be killed!\u201d<\/p>\n
\n\u201cFor really, I do want to see your hide badly!\u201d<\/p>\n
\nThere isn\u2019t a sword that could make this worm bleed!\u201d<\/p>\n
\nDazzling! Flawless!
\nThere\u2019s no thing on this earth
\nThat could render you pawless!
\nBut inside he was scornful, and thought, \u201cYou old fool!\u201d
\nThere\u2019s a spot on your belly without any jewel!
\nThat\u2019s a mighty fine place for an arrow to stick!\u201d
\nThen he thought about how to get out of there, quick.<\/p>\n
\nThat I\u2019ve talked long enough and am quite overstayed!
\nI hope you have fun catching ponies tonight,
\nFor you won\u2019t catch this burglar!\u201d
\nAnd with that he took flight.<\/p>\n
\nHis common sense finally really did find him.
\n\u201cBilbo, you foolish and silly old Baggins!
\nI\u2019ll just tell you once: never laugh at live dragons!\u201d<\/p>\n
\nFrom his garden of pollen
\nTo see a grey hat\u2014
\nA wizard come a-callin\u2019!<\/p>\n
\nTo himself as he flew,
\nBut he soon saw the grey hat\u2019s
\nCompanion\u2014there were two!<\/p>\n
\nWith fuzzy wuzzy toes.
\nA Hobbit he was
\nAnd his name was Bilbo.<\/p>\n
\n\u201cAnd what do you want?\u201d
\nSo the wizard sat down
\nAnd told of their jaunt.<\/p>\n
\nWhat adventure! What danger!
\nBut just at the good part
\nThere came a cliff-hanger.<\/p>\n
\nAnd the Bee looked around
\nTo see two colored hoods
\nApproach at the sound.<\/p>\n
\nAs they came in a queue.
\nOne hooded in purple,
\nThe first in sky blue.<\/p>\n
\nThey said as they bowed.
\nAnd Beorn, quite grumpy,
\nSaid \u201cMy! What a crowd!<\/p>\n
\nNo I don\u2019t! No siree!
\nYou, wizard, have brought me
\nNot one, two, but three!\u201d<\/p>\n
\nSaid Gandalf the Grey.
\n\u201cOnce you hear all our tale
\nYou will want us to stay.\u201d<\/p>\n
\nSaid Beorn, quite gruff.
\nThe Bee settled down.
\nThis was really good stuff!<\/p>\n
\nAnd Goblins and chases
\nWas stopped once again
\nWhen appeared two new faces!<\/p>\n
\nSaid Nori and Ori.
\n\u201cSit down,\u201d said the Bear-Man,
\n\u201cLet\u2019s get on with the story!\u201d<\/p>\n
\nDid not waste time stallin\u2019.
\nBut just at that moment
\nCame Balin and Dwalin.<\/p>\n
\nRed and green hoods were doffed
\nBut they didn\u2019t get far
\nBefore their wagging was stopped.<\/p>\n
\nThat\u2019s what you are, see?
\nPopping up on my doorstep
\nAnd disturbing my bees.<\/p>\n
\nWill there come one more pair?
\nTwo more Dwarves somewhere out there
\nTo tangle in my hair?\u201d<\/p>\n
\nAs I\u2019m sure you have guessed,
\nCame Fili and Kili,
\nRunning after the rest.<\/p>\n
\nYou matching blue hoods.
\nNo \u2018Hellos\u2019 or bowing
\nIs that understood?<\/p>\n
\nYou wizard of grey,
\nDespite your bad manners
\nI\u2019ll hear what you way.\u201d<\/p>\n
\nBut the Bee then looked down.
\nUp came Oin and Gloin,
\nA white hood behind brown.<\/p>\n
\nI hope there\u2019s no more.
\nHousing this party
\nHas become quite a chore.<\/p>\n
\nYour tale is not done.
\nThere were Wargs and blue fire!
\nNow what is to come?<\/p>\n
\nFor the Bee had just seen
\nBouncing hoods of bright yellow
\nThen, puffing, pale green.<\/p>\n
\nAnd Bombur at last!
\nAnd now with these three
\nWe have filled out our cast.<\/p>\n
\n\u201cThat does it I say!
\nFifteen is rather
\nToo much for one day!\u201d<\/p>\n
\n\u201cRight quick! On the double!
\nLet me finish! I\u2019ll tell you
\nHow we got out of trouble.<\/p>\n
\nOn their backs we went flying.
\nTheir timing was perfect
\nOr else we\u2019d be frying.<\/p>\n
\nRight up to the top.
\nThen we walked our way here
\nAnd right here we have stopped.\u201d<\/p>\n
\nQuite a good one I\u2019d say.
\nBut the day is now ending.
\nYou\u2019d all better stay.\u201d<\/p>\n
\nThe Bee watched them all go:
\nThe grey-hatted wizard
\nThen the Hobbit, Bilbo.<\/p>\n
\nFirst the blue hoods, then white.
\nThen brown, grey, and purples.
\nWatch them go! What a sight!<\/p>\n
\nThen last came the greens.
\nIt was the strangest hood party
\nThat you\u2019ve ever seen!<\/p>\n
\nThe Bee then took wing.
\n\u201cI\u2019m done for today.
\nNow I\u2019ve seen everything!\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"