{"id":56779,"date":"2012-06-08T17:35:07","date_gmt":"2012-06-08T22:35:07","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.theonering.net\/torwp\/?p=56779"},"modified":"2012-06-11T00:30:37","modified_gmt":"2012-06-11T05:30:37","slug":"film-friday-prometheus-causes-spontanious-clapping","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.theonering.net\/torwp\/2012\/06\/08\/56779-film-friday-prometheus-causes-spontanious-clapping\/","title":{"rendered":"Film Friday: ‘Prometheus’ causes spontaneous clapping"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a>Completely crazy I know, but that evil Queen from \u201cThor & Bella,\u201d is back. She didn\u2019t die and in fact in the horribly scary future, she travels on space ships to moons that are years away. I don\u2019t mind because she has toned down the freaky, evil magic and instead is just kinda stern but that is what happens to bosses who don\u2019t have full support from management, which she is.<\/p>\n

Oh and she isn\u2019t even slightly ugly and does pushups covered with jelly preservatives and sweat, which is pretty sweet. I still don\u2019t think she smiled once in the whole movie but, didn\u2019t bother me.<\/p>\n

So the movie I saw is \u201cPrometheus,\u201d but the truth is, it reminds me sooooo much of these shows I remember about aliens with freaky-deaky black banana heads, sharp teeth, slime skin and acid blood. First there was one about just one of these black, creepy-as-bleep death machines (with a robot modeled after the original Bilbo Baggins) and then there was a sequel with dozens of nasty aliens and their way-clingy babies. <\/p>\n

So I remember those movies. Somebody out there in reader land thought I was, like, 15-years-old. <\/p>\n

I wish! <\/p>\n

Then people wouldn\u2019t be telling me to get a job all the time. <\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>The first one I only saw at home in full on 2.0 stereo when my parents didn\u2019t pay attention at the video stores (the stores were like Redbox but you could actually walk inside them.) The second one I saw in the theater. I have this really fresh memory of trying not to pee my pants (I really, really had to go but couldn\u2019t leave) and accidentally crushing this girl\u2019s hand a little. It wasn\u2019t like, broken or anything serious. She eventually married some other dude. (Sorry chic, I hope you read this and have the same fond memory. Show this to all the girls you know who are married in case it was her.)<\/p>\n

Anyway, this new movie is a lot like a mash up of both of those. A bunch of scientists go to space to look for some muscled albino giants who vandalized a bunch of caves on earth but who are total lightweights and can\u2019t hold even a cup full of alien moonshine. This Queen is with them and she is an ice queen now, with a lowercase Q, but like I said, she is unhappy middle management \u2013 which is really unhappy.<\/p>\n

This time though, all the people with the queen are excellent actors, including the business savvy drug dealer from the best show in the history of shows, “The Wire.” Respect to him too for getting out of Baltimore and becoming a space ship captain. Especially good was this robot made to look just like Magneto when he was young, but not when he was older and looked like Gandalf. His name is David and he rules the movie with his very own kind of special robot-crazy. He is spiffy, watched \u201cLawrence of Arabia\u201d and you want to play basketball and ride bikes with him but also sometimes he is a creeper and you want to run away at top speed.
\nBut he could catch you.
\nEasy.
\nAnytime he wanted. <\/p>\n

But weird that in the future they will make robots look like people associated with \u201cLord of the Rings\u201d movies. Kinda gives me an idea of what kind of robot to make that looks like Aragorn \u2013 you know \u2013 just for the women.<\/p>\n

So this space ship flies away for a couple of years. Now, if you haven\u2019t guessed, I am not a scientist. Also I didn\u2019t stay at a Holiday Inn last night or any night; I think for they money I can do better. But the closest star to Earth is Proxima Centauri, which is more than four light years away and these scientist weirdoes say out loud (or maybe it was creepy David) they have been sleeping for two years plus some months, days, hours and minutes, but they probably can\u2019t travel faster than light speed, so were they awake for a long time and then only went to sleep later? Or how did they get there so fast? More like 22 years. I mean they still ride four wheelers when they get there so, light speed? Notice to you silly screenwriters, use Google when you make stuff up because we will catch you.<\/p>\n

It made me feel weird to type that.<\/p>\n

So anywho, if you have watched a commercial for this flick, you already know they have the coolest mapping equipment ever seen with these glowing red globes and then they discover some mighty peculiar black buildings on this distant-but-not-that-distant moon and you also already know, really everybody knows, that things go, well, uh, bad.<\/p>\n

At this point I should tell you: Don\u2019t bring the kids, but you probably already knew that. The other thing I should tell you is, as my granny used to say, \u201cmake a poo poo before you go.\u201d Those of you who demand dignity in a writing thing about a movie: Plan ahead and vacate your bowels at home. Look, I am not going to pretend that this scary movie is going to make you poop your pants. It isn\u2019t, unless you already poop your pants and then, no offense to you, we all have problems. But when things start to go bad, you are going to sit in your movie chair, and clench up. Really tight. You are going to squirm in your seat, your heart is going to race, you are going to sweat a little and it might be hours and hours before you can \u201cgo\u201d again, so take care of it at home. (And don\u2019t hold hands \u2014 see above.)<\/p>\n

The hilarious thing about this is, when it starts, the all-knowing audience can see it coming but wholly cow, it will freak you anyway. The tentacle people (if you don\u2019t know who I mean, be very glad) are going to build a monumental statue to the glory of this one part. Might even worship it. I hope real aliens never get any ideas from this flick and I hope real aliens don\u2019t have bodies that look so much like human private parts. But this crazy audience watched this scene as horrified as I can remember seeing in a theater in decades (cuse I am not 15) and when it was over, they clapped. <\/p>\n

In the middle of the freaking movie, they clapped. Dude ran to the top of the stairs and did a Rocky pose with both arms to the sky and the hipsters were glad to see it. People high-fived. One person rolled in the isle. Tears of joy were shed, hands were crushed, babies will be born in nine months \u2014 and lots and lots and lots of clenching up.<\/p>\n

Then there is this medical part. Don\u2019t let anybody tell you about it and don\u2019t cover your eyes.<\/p>\n

But lets pause for a moment and yell at the screenwriters again. Send them angry tweets with your mean, angry face photos. A bunch of scientists (really \u201csmart\u201d people) are YEARS away from earth and family and the beach and Del Taco, and they go to this screwy, empty moon world, and when they find a little air, they decide they should take off their helmets. Nobody nobody nobody nobody is going to take off their helmet ten minutes after arriving on a moon with underground castles and a landing strip. Nobody. Superman would leave his helmet on and if he didn\u2019t Bat-Man would kick his teeth in because he wouldn\u2019t want to risk being contaminated by stuff that is weird and undetectable because you know, it\u2019s ON A NEW WORLD! Duh. Plus, they don\u2019t pay attention to the little things that are science like, stuff crawling on the ground.<\/p>\n

So I want to stop now because I don\u2019t want to ruin anything \u2014 better to go in blind. And not to be a cinema or art geek (too late) but somebody better send H.R. Giger a love letter and bottles of drink and massage gift certificates and then go rub his feet in person for inspiring the design of this moon\u2019s housing projects. Maybe they already did, because I didn\u2019t get a press kit (yes studio publicist people, this is me giving you the hard stare) but that dude\u2019s double-helix things are on the screen pretty much always and that gave lots of juice to the audience celebration. It is not only bad-to-the-bone but bad-to-the-creepy-exoskeleton. Can\u2019t say enough really, so imagine about three more paragraphs of praise with extra smart sentences that leap off your computer screen and make you quote them on Twitter.<\/p>\n

Your eyes will be having an organic-mechanical-nightmare-technology-furniture-party with balloons and dancers so if you dig that, go buy a ticket. If you don\u2019t dig that, \u201cAnne of Green Gables,\u201d is probably on PBS, definitely on Netflix. <\/p>\n

Remind your brain not to get too pissed though when some stuff, like I already said, comes and your mind screams that high-pitched sound they used three times in the movie commercial that haunts you.
\n