Ever wondered what set spying’s like?
I asked one of the most persistent watchers at Helm’s Deep what it was like, and got this story back from his friend Salome. Seems like it’s 90% patience and a whole lot of hoping and dreaming…
ONE DARK STORMY NIGHT
BY THE BEAUTIFUL SALOME SEVEN VEILS
The hobbit phone rang (being the spy phone The Hutt Hobbit had installed in my house as I am The Hutt Hobbits spying friend), get your butt out of the bed, he said, don your veils and get ready to distract those guards with your legendary beauty.
We headed to Burger King as The Hutt Hobbit is fond of burgers, then we proceeded to the Wingate set, where The Hutt Hobbit immediately fell asleep as he had eaten too much as usual.
I, Salome, began the Dance of the Seven Veils and immediately the guards became hypnotized by my beauty. Stupid fools !!!! I proceeded to my discreet spying platform located nearby and this is what I saw.
I saw the gates of Moria or rather part of the inside of the set, being an entrance way in the front of the set, as the set was cleverly designed and surrounded by a scaffolding wall.
I saw a hobbit pony covered in baggage, yes the pack-pony called Bill. The pony looked to be chestnut with, I think, a white blaze, the pony looked very happy and well looked after. The pony was being looked after by the horse wrangler, who at this stage was sitting down. Then Viggo Mortensen appeared and stood by the pony, he seemed to be in good spirits and was holding a conversation with the horse wrangler. Various other cast members appeared; it was too dark and stormy to tell who they were at this stage. The cast members took out umbrellas to shelter from the rain. A male cast member, was it Viggo? seemed to have fun twirling his umbrella.
Then lo and behold, through a gap in the set I saw PJ sitting under a blue canopy. The hobbit pony was led forward right into the light, Viggo, I think it was, held the ponys reins, he seemed to be stroking the ponys nose. I saw in the darkness very small-sized people or so it seemed as it was very dark and raining, were they hobbit doubles?
Viggo led the pony forward into the set and out of sight of my spying equipment. The ground of the set was covered in rocks; I heard the pony’s hooves crunching in the gravel. I could see no more.
I uttered a vile curse and went to check on the guards and yes they were still hypnotized. I, Salome, was soaking wet, my dancing costume clung to my body, thank god its dark I said to myself. My long dark hair clung to my face and dripped water down my back. I cursed the weather and wished for an umbrella as I had forgotten mine.
I proceeded to the transportation device and tried to rouse The Hutt Hobbit but he was still asleep. He was talking about Burger King in his sleep and his hands were rubbing his great fat hobbit belly. I Salome cursed, and poured myself a cup of coffee and tried to keep warm.
I proceeded back to my vantage point and this is what I saw. I saw Legolas standing in the light in the sets entrance-way. He had a quiver filled with arrows slung high on his back, he had long blond hair and no one else seemed to be around. Then lo and behold I saw PJ run backwards and forwards over the rocky ground he seemed cheerful and in good spirits he had a couple of assistants in tow.
By this stage I was freezing and afraid that my chattering teeth would give me away. I transported The Hutt Hobbit Home and put him to bed on my sofa and made myself another cup of coffee, before climbing into my warm bed and dreaming of spying adventures to come.
THE ENDPosted in Old Spy Reports on May 24, 2000 by Tehanu